Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
