I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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