Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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