I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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