i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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