Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
