Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
