I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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