I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
