I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
