I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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