I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
