She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
