dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Just puked most of my soul out..
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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