I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
