found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
