I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
