He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
