I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
