I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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