My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
