Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
