Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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