You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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