wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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