TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
