I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
