I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
