okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize
