just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
