I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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