you didnt know i had herpes?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
