I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
