This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
