Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
