I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
