Redeem this text for a blowjob
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
