it hurts more in the daytime
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
