I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
