and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Randomize
