Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
