I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
