My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
