Umm I'm too high to move.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
