Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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