There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
