I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
