On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
