I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
