haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
