Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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