Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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