i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
