youre lurking in front of me
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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