I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
