Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
