I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
