Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize